Fighting a War Within

After a 6-month blog break, I’m not really sure the best way to start again.

Tell a bad joke? Recap of the last awful 6 months? Post a random but adorable picture of my dog?

I landed on, “just start.” So here goes. Let’s see where it takes us.

The last 6 months have been hard. Really hard. Like, not sure if or when I’ll come out of this, hard. And the one person I’d like to talk to about it all isn’t here anymore.

I am adrift. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I am struggling in my personal life, with my professional aspirations and current direction (or lack thereof), and in pretty much every outward way.

Now the war begins within too … Again.

If you, dear reader, have followed this blog closely for a while, you may remember that I have something called Graves’ Disease. It’s an autoimmune disorder with which I was diagnosed in 2007. I won’t go into detail with the battle so far, except to say that the only conclusion I’ve come to about autoimmune disorders in general through it all is this: Autoimmune disorders are bastards. Lying, cheating, sneaky, miserable, depressing, maddening bastards.

That never go away.

Just when I think I’m making progress with one symptom, another one sneaks up to replace it. Another doctor. Another round of tests. Another diagnosis and the pills that come with it.

This is life for someone with any range of autoimmune disorders. And if you have one, you probably will get more. And then the cycle repeats again.

And I am soooo over it already.

Today I had a specialist very enthusiastically tell me that my eyes look great – no problems – and therefore the vision problems I’m having PROBABLY aren’t related to the Graves. Which is good news, kind of, except that it doesn’t fix anything. It eliminates one possibility, but doesn’t give me answers. More doctors. More tests. And probably more pills to follow.

So now I have to choose how to wage war. On myself. On this disease. On everything it is doing to me physically. On every lie it’s telling me about myself and the world around me.

And I just don’t know where to start.


5 thoughts on “Fighting a War Within

  1. The human body is the last frontier. What is true today may not be tomorrow. Stuff is so interconnected – and medical community tinkers with this or that – often not fully understanding why or what. But you have to start somewhere and knowing what it’s not is a start. A frustrating start.
    A Rubix Cube existence….but there is an answer and hang in there until the pattern is clear

  2. Hang in there Stef! While I agree with you, autoimmune disorders suck, I know you are a fighter and can kick its ass. Stay strong, my friend. Miss you. Oh by the way I am starting a RN pool position on Friday at my preceptorship facility.

  3. I love you! I know that doesn’t help, but you should know that will never change. I’m always here for you, and when the time comes for us to possibly just leap and try something crazy and new – I’ll be on board. Just say when lady….

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