Today I happened upon an interesting article: “18 Things Your Feet Say About Your Health.”
Naturally, this piqued my interest. It’s lighter reading than the protests, earthquakes, and pirate news that I had been reading. I also care more about feet than stars’ fashion mistakes, Aniston’s new hairstyle (Jen, you look great, but a new cut isn’t news), or Limbaugh’s latest idiotic tirade.
The feet article was interesting, but pretty standard stuff. After reading it, I am convinced that I have several infections, a thyroid issue (oh wait, I really do have that), arthritis, nerve damage, and gout. That is the result of reading most health-related “news” these days. Symptoms are so common and unspecific that readers run to the doctor thinking they’re dying of something because they have (literally) cold feet.
Well, instead of running to my doctor, I decided to run to my blog. So here it is, what I know you’ve all been waiting for …
18 Things My Feet Say About Me
1. I’m hopelessly clumsy. Those of you readers who know me personally already know why this had to be #1. I’ve broken both ankles … My right (only!) once and my left three times. I’ve subjected both to multiple sprains over the years. I’ve fractured toes and bones on top of both feet. Let’s just say I’m glad my middle name isn’t “Grace,” because I think the irony would be too much.
2. Looking pretty is not at the top of my priority list. I don’t take particularly good care of my feet. I never paint my own nails. I do get the occasional pedicure, but it’s more about the foot massage than the beautifying. This spills over into the rest of my life philosophy, too. I typically value functional over fashionable (with the probable exception of #18). I shower just so as not to repulse anyone, not really on account of how I look. I rarely wear makeup, because it’s time-consuming to apply. I don’t dye my hair, nor do I usually style it in any way. Meh. As far as I’m concerned, if someone doesn’t like how I look, it’s their problem. When I start to stink, then it becomes mine.
3. My faith is an important part of my life. I have one tattoo, located on my left ankle. It’s a cross. Faith is the only thing important enough to me to warrant a permanent etching on my body.
4. I’m a neat freak. My toenails are too long if they have any white on the ends at all. Same with my fingernails. I keep all my digits neatly trimmed. I try to keep the clutter of my life neatly trimmed, too.
5. I’m a dancer. I have been dancing since I was too young to remember. I’ve been walking on my tip-toes for probably as long. I also walk naturally turned-out. I might as well carry a neon sign with me that reads, “DANCER!” Why I can’t extend my coordination on the dance floor to the rest of my life is beyond me (see #1).
6. I’m a hiker. OK, this one has more to do with my legs and feet as a unit, but I think it still qualifies for this list. I am made for packin’. I have short, stumpy legs and wide but agile feet to (in theory) balance everything out. I am close to the ground, which means I don’t have as far to fall. If ever there were legs and feet tailored to hike, they would be mine.
7. I like the sunshine. We already learned from #6 that I like to hike, so this naturally follows. But how do you know for sure that I like sunshine? Tan lines, baby. They’re hot.
8. I work hard and play hard. I have not one set of (sexy) tan lines on my feet, but two. One is a sock line. The others are flip-flop lines. Even now, faded in the middle of winter, they are hard to miss. And I rock them.
9. My husband really loves me. Some of the bruises mentioned in #1 are on account of my husband. I love him dearly, and love the things he does because he knows I want to … like dance. For all his hard work and effort, he still has two left feet. I don’t mind the bruises, because it means I have a dance partner (and life partner) who really cares.
10. I’m not perfect, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have a very distinct gait when I walk, and let’s just say it ain’t pretty. It all goes back to #1. I broke my left foot three times within a year. The injuries and resulting casts stunted my growth on that side. Not only is my left foot smaller than my right, but my left leg is also shorter. This means I am permanently lopsided, and there’s nothing I can do about it except move on with my life. My walk isn’t perfect, but it’s uniquely mine.
11. I’m never on time for anything. My feet are bare as often as possible, especially at home. I would be on time more if I didn’t have to spend so much time finding matching socks and shoes before leaving the house. Also, the moment I begin to rush is the moment I stop paying attention. Enter the fractured toes from #1 again. When you kick a coffee table (or dishwasher or wall that you swear wasn’t there before), it takes time to recover. This guarantees I am always running behind.
12. I don’t like things that stink. I think this one is self-explanatory. I like pleasant-smelling things, like flowers and freshly baked cookies. I don’t like stinky things, like garbage or doggy doo. Or stinky feet. I do everything I can to ensure that it isn’t me stinking up the place.
13. I like to cuddle. My feet are cold all the time. Much to my husband’s chagrin, he is often my personal foot heater.
14. My dog is as clumsy as I am. My dog is a 90-pound oaf who gets his awkward disposition from me. He gets so excited when I get home at the end of the day that he sometimes forgets he is a 90-pound oaf. This means more bruises for me, but just as with dancing with my husband, it’s totally worth it.
15. I also have a cat … Who apparently thinks that toes sticking out of the comforter in the middle of the night are a threat that must be destroyed.
16. I don’t take myself too seriously. Remember those occasional pedicures I mentioned in #2? Well, when I do get my toenails painted it’s usually some ridiculous color. I think blue metallic or neon orange polish is way more interesting and funny than traditional reds and pinks. Any self-respecting lady can wear red or pink. It takes someone really secure with themselves to rock the blues, oranges and purples. Especially with the tan lines.
17. I am strong. I’ve put a lot of miles on my feet over the years. I have a lot of scars from my adventures to show for it. But out of all the pain and stupid mistakes that caused those scars, I am stronger and better for having gone through it. Luckily, both feet are still functional and all 10 digits are still (mostly) intact. I imagine I will continue with more pain and stupid mistakes until that’s not the case. And then I will just start a whole new set of adventures.
18. I love shoes. I had to end with shoes because the original article ended with them as well. And it’s so true. I love shoes. Almost as much as I love sushi. Shoe stores for me are like candy stores for fat guys. I’m addicted. I will wear $60 heels once just because they so perfectly compliment my outfit, blisters be damned. I wear sneakers out (like, no tread and cracks in the soles worn out) in 6 months or less.
In fact, all this reading about and discussing feet has put me in the perfect mood for shoe hunting. I guess the article had one good piece of advice after all: “Go shoe shopping.” Don’t have to tell me twice. 🙂